Here are some things I am learning about myself lately.

1. I really like psychology. A lot. I'm a little obsessed actually. The more I think of it, the more I think that I would like to pursue that as an occupation as the kids are getting older.

2. I also like the study of religions, all religions, and how they all intersect, overlap, and yet stay distinctly within their own definitions.

3. I would love having my own business. LOVE IT! Especially a retail store of children's products. Every year for like 6 years, one of my New Year's Resolutions was to come up with 3 business plans for myself. But I just keep coming up with a children's product business. Not sure if there is really a need for that in Des Moines. I have no idea where to start. And again... it steals from my family.

I want to learn. I'm itching to learn. This happened before I became a docent at the art center, and then I just threw myself into learning about art. Many happy afternoons were spent reading about artists and going to art museums. I hit at least one art museum on every vacation and even carried babies (well, one at a time) on my back so we could see them together. I remember one time during that phase when I saw a Provence exhibit of Post Impressionists and I cried because it was so wonderful. I went to the Louvre and Pomipou and just basked in the wonder that is art. Then I thought that I wanted to be more of an advocate for people... so I went to law school. I loved learning, reading, discussing, but I didn't particularly enjoy law as a THING to study. It was interesting, but not soulful enough for me. And by the time it would get soulful, I would have been in law school for forever and then would have not made a whole lot as a non profit lawyer. So I quit. And besides, I wanted to work more closely with Noah. And I did, and then he needed more than what I could give him, so then I worked closely with Andy. And now he's already outgrowing our times together and wanting to spread his wings a little and enlarge his horizons. And so I've got Lucy all day still, and even if I do continue the hands on parenting schtick (which I love), it is clear to me, that as I look ahead to the future... the kids don't stay here. Well, one does (yay, I get to keep one!), but the other two will go on and live their own lives. I'm not ready for anything different RIGHT NOW. Instead I'm thinking of seeds I want to plant now, that will in the future bloom into the "rest of my life". What are those things??? Well, gosh, there are only about 500 things!

Here are some of the things I really want to do.

1. Write. (But I need training and focus)
2. Learn. (I do this, but focus and a purpose would be good)
3. Become a psychologist/counselor. (but if I can't even figure out my own life!)
4. Start a charter school. (sounds utterly impossible)
5. Travel. (I can do this!!, but not if we have to pay for grad school or a more expensive house somewhere!)
6. Spin wool. (Doable, but I guarantee this will get old after awhile)
7. Throw pots. (Maybe doable, but only if I can get the clay on the center of the wheel)
8. Become a doctor. (Time! Expense! Huge investment of all of myself. Don't want to jeorpardize my family.)
9. Go back to Interior Design. (A real possibility. And enjoyable. Is there enought soul in this long term for me?)
10. Study Art History ( I love Art. I love it. I really love it so much.)
11. Become a Landscape Architect. (I'm drawn to this, but I don't know long term)
12. Design natural playscapes. (May lose interest in this as my kids grow older)
13. Have my own retail business. (would love this, but I am very, very scared of failing and ruining my family!)
14. Take my kids everywhere around the world and live untethered for much of their childhood. (totally, completely impractical.)


These are just a few. I'm totally in trouble. I'm 34, and I STILL don't know what I want to do after this! It stinks. This is exactly the way that I felt in high school. And even in college, I just kept switching back and forth until I settled on education. Partly because it was "all encompassing". I could inspire kids (hopefully) and learn everything. That's how I felt in school. I wanted to learn everything. I remember wrapping the big ideas up in my head and the ideas alone making me feel exhilarated.

And yet. And yet. I'm sort of living a Joe vs. the Volcano life. I don't mean my kids and family... NO! I want them to live an exciting life too!!! My goal is not to rid myself of them or my obligations to them. It's more like, I envision X for my family but we still keep doing the same thing.

The only thing we're really stuck in is Iowa. But I love Iowa! It's just there aren't any universities nearby that I could just go part time and still do my mom thing that I want to do. There are a few online things, but not too many. ISU has a doctorate in clinical psychology, but I've already commuted there for 3.5 years getting my undergrad, and that would take a HUGE chunk out of my time with my kids. And it just sounds super boring to commute again on the same road. I mean if I did go to ISU I would have driven something like 1000+ times on I-35. Blech. I still want to learn everything. My brain is getting irritable because it's not getting enough stimulation. It's like Facebook and learning on the internet is taking over because there isn't any focus that pursuing a degree or focus would give. So what to do??

I've taken Holland's Codes and other career tests. They keep saying the same thing. You have many interests and places that you would fit. Unfortunately, unless I want to get an MBA, a DO, JD, or maybe a master's in ed... I'm kind of stuck. Des Moines really doesn't offer much in the way of grad school. I don't want to just get a degree for the sake of a degree, though. Or learn for the sake of learning (but having to pay for it and then not really even sure you want it), like I did with law school. I want to be driven by passion for one thing. So far the only thing that has ever filled me with passion long term has been my family. Hence the hands on Mommy schtick. That's cool. I adore my kids and husband. But, duh! They aren't going to need the hands on Mommy schtick forever. And with an el ed degree... I don't particularly want to go back to teaching unless it's in a nontraditional school. I know I sound like a whiny baby, wanting life to be exciting and to match up with my priniciples and all. I mean, I've got a voice on my shoulder saying, "Suck it up! There are people hurting everywhere and you are looking for dreams and fulfillment?" SELFISH!

So what does that mean? I mean, how SELFISH is that to consider moving your family to a city where there is more to learn. I guess it's not completely selfish. There would be some major pluses.

Here are some:
1. We could move somewhere different. Yay!
2. New things in nature to discover.
3. Maybe rid ourselves of the winter blechs!
4. New vistas, new pursuits, new adventures!
5. We could move somewhere that would enable me to study some of the things I really want to study (but to narrow down would be challenging).
6. Noah could go to a new (hopefully awesome) school. THIS MIGHT BE HUGE!
7. I could still do the partime/fulltime homeschool thing until we decide it's not what we want.
8. We could move somewhere that has a lot of expertise in medical areas which might help Lucy and Noah.
9. Scott could get a new job.
10. My kids would have the benefit of having a mom that shows how to love life, seek adventure, new vistas, how to recreate a life, and how to make dreams and goals and DO THEM!


Here are the cons, and they are huge:
1. Leaving family.
2. Leaving disability services. Most states have huge waiting lists. Noah needs therapy, aides, and nursing care to have a good life. We can't afford this on our own. It's not doable.
3. Expense. This would be very, very expensive. Possibly jeopardizing our future. Since we will be caring for Noah into adulthood, we need to make sure we have enough money to do this. Worst case scenario (other than death of someone!!) is Scott, Noah, and I old, alone, and extremely poor because of stupid decisions we made! I am dreaming that the three of us will retire in a lovely, sunny, location and Noah will be safe and happy.
4. We do like Iowa. We like the weather (except for how long winter is), especially the summer. We like how close everything is. We like that Des Moines is slowly growing and how flexible Scott's job is. We like the autism services for Noah.
5. Noah's school situation might actually turn out to be worse. What if?

So here I am again. Maybe it just isn't the right time. Maybe I just dig in and keep doing what we're doing for another 5 years or so. And then decide. But I will be 39 then. That's going to narrow down the possibilities isn't it?? Maybe they are already narrowed!