Sunday, December 31, 2006
That reflective weekend I planned...
My last post I wrote about how I planned to have a year end reflection this weekend. I got it, just not in the way I thought. I had a small rupture on my amniotic sac (I laughed, and heartily so... Pop!) Anyway that happened on Friday, now it's Sunday and it's possible that it may have healed itself. They are going to run some more tests. I should know more this afternoon or tomorrow. Until they know more, I am in the hospital indefinitely to watch and prevent infection. We did get two doses of steroids in for lung maturation so that's good. Plus the baby looks great. She is floating in lots of fluid now and is kicking away and happily swallowing fluid with abandon. She weighs 2 pounds 9 ounces!
Andy has been so sweet. He asked me how my little bag of water was doing. We had, not an hour before this all happened, been discussing why Mommy drinks so much water. I told him about the bag of waters and how the baby breathes it, swallows it and even goes pee pee in it. That was a little much for him, so when it ruptured he told me later, "You kno-oow, it's usually a good thing when somebody's little bag of water breaks. That way you can get rid of all the stupid water (read pee pee water) and put in new clean water." Makes sense to me.
Anyway, I have gotten some things I wanted to get done, still have lots more... so I will get to work in a little bit on my year end reflection here at the hospital!
I finished a book yesterday and I wanted to include a quote. The book was called The Whole World Over by Julia Glass. I must say, this book didn't even come close to her book Three Junes, but she is a beautiful, lyrical writer, and I do like how she says things.
Greenie is a baker, and after reading this book, I am craving cake!
"In the kitchen, Greenie's first passion has always been cake. Most inexperienced cooks believe, mistakenly, that a fine cake is less challenging to produce than a fine souffle or mousse. Greenie knows, however, that a good cake is like a good marriage: from the outside, it looks ordinary, sometimes unremarkable, yet cut into it, taste it, and you know that it is nothing of the sort. It is the sublime result of long and patient experience, a confection whose success relies on a profound understatement of compatibilities and tastes; on a respect for measurement, balance, chemistry, and heat; on a history of countless errors overcome. In Greenie's favorite antique cookbook, an eloquent curmudgeon named Louis P. De Gouy devoted eight closely typeset pages to "Common Causes and Remedies in Cake Baking Failures." How she wishes sometimes that Master Chef De Gouy had written such a treatise on love, even just motherly love."
So... should you read this book. Well, if you want. But I would read Three Junes before I would read this one. I was a little disappointed. The characters were well developed but still somehow vague. Perhaps I just find it hard to relate to people who aren't really in touch with what they want or believe they should do in life. They just sort of struck me as immature and childish. Plus there was infidelity which ALWAYS makes me sad. So, I guess I feel as vague about this book as it was vague. Hm.
As far as other projects since I have been here. I closed up one loose end. check. And I worked on the baby blanket. Still have a long way to go on it though. It's going to be cute though... It's pale pink and then I am going to do this really fun pompom puffy border made from shades of pink and green. I hope it turns out nice. I got the pattern free online. If it turns out well, I will post the link and maybe a photo. I don't make things too often these days, but I do try to make sure I have made something for each of my kids to have... to know how much I LOVE them.
Have a great New Years' Eve!
My last post I wrote about how I planned to have a year end reflection this weekend. I got it, just not in the way I thought. I had a small rupture on my amniotic sac (I laughed, and heartily so... Pop!) Anyway that happened on Friday, now it's Sunday and it's possible that it may have healed itself. They are going to run some more tests. I should know more this afternoon or tomorrow. Until they know more, I am in the hospital indefinitely to watch and prevent infection. We did get two doses of steroids in for lung maturation so that's good. Plus the baby looks great. She is floating in lots of fluid now and is kicking away and happily swallowing fluid with abandon. She weighs 2 pounds 9 ounces!
Andy has been so sweet. He asked me how my little bag of water was doing. We had, not an hour before this all happened, been discussing why Mommy drinks so much water. I told him about the bag of waters and how the baby breathes it, swallows it and even goes pee pee in it. That was a little much for him, so when it ruptured he told me later, "You kno-oow, it's usually a good thing when somebody's little bag of water breaks. That way you can get rid of all the stupid water (read pee pee water) and put in new clean water." Makes sense to me.
Anyway, I have gotten some things I wanted to get done, still have lots more... so I will get to work in a little bit on my year end reflection here at the hospital!
I finished a book yesterday and I wanted to include a quote. The book was called The Whole World Over by Julia Glass. I must say, this book didn't even come close to her book Three Junes, but she is a beautiful, lyrical writer, and I do like how she says things.
Greenie is a baker, and after reading this book, I am craving cake!
"In the kitchen, Greenie's first passion has always been cake. Most inexperienced cooks believe, mistakenly, that a fine cake is less challenging to produce than a fine souffle or mousse. Greenie knows, however, that a good cake is like a good marriage: from the outside, it looks ordinary, sometimes unremarkable, yet cut into it, taste it, and you know that it is nothing of the sort. It is the sublime result of long and patient experience, a confection whose success relies on a profound understatement of compatibilities and tastes; on a respect for measurement, balance, chemistry, and heat; on a history of countless errors overcome. In Greenie's favorite antique cookbook, an eloquent curmudgeon named Louis P. De Gouy devoted eight closely typeset pages to "Common Causes and Remedies in Cake Baking Failures." How she wishes sometimes that Master Chef De Gouy had written such a treatise on love, even just motherly love."
So... should you read this book. Well, if you want. But I would read Three Junes before I would read this one. I was a little disappointed. The characters were well developed but still somehow vague. Perhaps I just find it hard to relate to people who aren't really in touch with what they want or believe they should do in life. They just sort of struck me as immature and childish. Plus there was infidelity which ALWAYS makes me sad. So, I guess I feel as vague about this book as it was vague. Hm.
As far as other projects since I have been here. I closed up one loose end. check. And I worked on the baby blanket. Still have a long way to go on it though. It's going to be cute though... It's pale pink and then I am going to do this really fun pompom puffy border made from shades of pink and green. I hope it turns out nice. I got the pattern free online. If it turns out well, I will post the link and maybe a photo. I don't make things too often these days, but I do try to make sure I have made something for each of my kids to have... to know how much I LOVE them.
Have a great New Years' Eve!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Although I have spent most of my life thinking that my personality is one way; over the past three years, I have come to the realization that I am entirely different. I used to think of myself as a fly by the seat of your pants kind of person. But as I have reflected upon what makes me tick, I now know that I haven't given myself the credit that I should for being reflective, wholistic, and conviction-driven. I am a ditz, but not a shallow one!
When I was younger and before I had kids... I didn't need to set aside time to reflect. My schedule was open, I commuted for almost two hours a day, and I basically could go anywhere or do anything I wanted. Scott and I would take vacations where upon arrival at our destination we would spread out blankets on the beach or grass, and lie down fully clothed and sleep. We would read sometimes, eat something out of the cooler, or walk... perhaps ride a bike leisurely around the island... but mostly we spent huge blocks of uninterrupted time staring, reading, sleeping, and talking. And then we would set up or simple campsite and stare some more at the fire and read with flashlights until we fell asleep. We would then wake up, read some more, journal or walk... you get the drift. I never really counted this time as self reflection or "vision planning" or as time to develop my goals, plans and convictions. But whenever we would come home, we would make some major change.
Now after NOT having this kind of time, I see that's exactly what I was doing. And that's what I need to feel whole mentally. It's beyond a quiet time or devotional. It's not even always exceptional religious unless you count it living in a sacramental, intentional fashion. It's just where I can take all the books I am thinking about, my laptop, a few journals, my grocery list!!!!, maybe some mail or catalogs, my calendar, my phone and just go and sit and stare and let my mind get uncluttered again and get all the emotions that are rolling around to turn into thoughts and then turn into lists and then goals and then my schedule.
I have to do this, and it's no big deal. It's just that right now, I really need to do this. Once I do it, I am good for awhile. I get my homeschooling journal up to date and my future goals planned out. I can graph out the progress and think of new steps and strategies. I can analyze what's broken and what I think can fix it. I can figure out our meals, and our calendar... all the stuff that makes life run. It's the end of the year. And I need to do this for my life to WORK!
It is very helpful to go to yoga by myself once a week apart from working out with my workout buddy and I would just do a lot of thinking and praying there. But it's time for the yearly eval. not the weekly recap.
This is my plan for this weekend.
1. I plan to uncover the clutter internally.
2. I want to reflect upon exactly what my job is and how I am doing.
3. I need to analyze Noah's program... homeschool, homestead therapy, OT, speech, PT, the new feeding issue, the old feeding issue, a new blender plan, whether or not to do the equestrian therapy again, the nurse plan, and organization of all of his systems. My year plan I made last year comes up in June... prime little baby time. I think that's still a really good time of year to plan out the next school year because that gives me time to be thinking before I feel pressured to be doing... so even though the baby will only be about two months, it's as good a time as any. Noah's summer program... Charlote Mason summer?
4. I need to analyze Andy's systems as well. School, home school, the friend situation, the TV situation, and is he getting enough Mommy and Daddy time. Andy's summer program... Charlotte Mason summer, swimming lessons, day camp, and soccer.
5. The new baby: The basic things... get all the baby stuff out and organized, decide what I need to buy and finish making, then the medical stuff... finish off our Birth Plan A and Birth Plan B.
6. Set up respite and SCL for after the baby's born so Noah will still get interaction even if he isn't getting his complete school program.
7. Tie up loose ends... (Here's my private code now.... sorry) DC, AS, Calendar, CHOP
8. Get our meal planning back in shape.
9. Get Marie moved out and reclaim the playroom... clean, organize, toss, and replace.
10. Plan Scott and me time... maybe a getaway with just the baby in the summer. At least make sure we have date night on Tuesdays... so I need to get childcare for Andy.
11. Plan fall family vacation in October: Either Philadelphia, NYC, Boston, and DC or Disney, beach and Everglades.
12. New budget plan... it's that time of year... I want to be ready to implement the new one by March when all the financial changes happen.
13. Write my new personal yearly goals and go over last year's.
14. Get my fun mini wardrobe for post pregnancy. I am going to do something different this time. I am going to wear CUTE fat clothes instead of ugly old ones. Yoga pants, cute little mod sneakers, and fun little Indian print t-shirts and hoodies. I am going to throw away all my nasty things. That way when I work out with Amy and she's all back in shape after baby... I won't be feeling so yucky. Plus that way I can be wearing my workout clothes already and won't have to change. I found a ton of cute sale workout clothes for Victoria's Secret and J.Jill. I know I am going to be stressed and overwhelmed. But I am determined to look stressed and overwhelme GRACEFULLY.... Hee hee... I love it, my inner Bridget Jones just came out! Hey there, how are you... missed you! It's been awfully serious around here these days.
15. Plan spa days and yoga schedule (thank you Scott for my Christmas present!).
16. Set up Mommy getaway lunches with friends... get it on the calendar... now... so I will actually follow through on it.
17. Begin planning Scott and Holly's return to Europe... January 2008 or January 2009 (woot woot-- yes I just said woot woot) (depends on how dedicated I am to nursing!!!)
I am very excited to tackle all this stuff. It may seem utterly ridiculous to take life this seriously, but I am telling you this is the way, I have always been. I just didn't realize it. And this is the kind of planning, I have to do so on Sunday in church, or on Tuesday date night, or on Friday morning yoga... I can think to myself, "This is where I want to be in life. I want to be a mom, a life giver, a nurturer, a teacher, a learner, a wife, a friend." This is what it takes for me to clearly see the role I have and to figure out just exactly how I am going to make it work.
So even though Scott and I haven't been able to take our yearly January trip away, no sense in traveling far away at EXACTLY the same time Noah was born (28 weeks)... I would like to reclaim some of that same quietness and reflection here where I am. Perhaps that is the better exercise anyway.
I apologize for thinking out loud. These days, that seems to be the only thinking that gets done sometimes!!! But not after this weekend where my goal is a return to an inner balance and maintenance of life. No more clutter piles on my brain.
Images to keep in mind while planning 2007?
1. Vigorous yet calm.
2. Full yet simple.
3. Closely knit while everyone retains independence.
4. Seek to align with the rhythms of the church calendar, fast and feast, celebrate and confess, join together and retain solitary worship, the church has a place for all of life's big events and the small ones. Use this wisdom and rhythm as a template for my own life, so I don't have to redevelop a new one.
5. Take care of my own inner life so that I can be a source of peace and calm for my family.
6. Remember that life is a joyous celebration, a gift, embrace it... teach my children to embrace it, and share in Scott's enjoyment of it.
7. Be thankful.
I am feeling calmer already.
When I was younger and before I had kids... I didn't need to set aside time to reflect. My schedule was open, I commuted for almost two hours a day, and I basically could go anywhere or do anything I wanted. Scott and I would take vacations where upon arrival at our destination we would spread out blankets on the beach or grass, and lie down fully clothed and sleep. We would read sometimes, eat something out of the cooler, or walk... perhaps ride a bike leisurely around the island... but mostly we spent huge blocks of uninterrupted time staring, reading, sleeping, and talking. And then we would set up or simple campsite and stare some more at the fire and read with flashlights until we fell asleep. We would then wake up, read some more, journal or walk... you get the drift. I never really counted this time as self reflection or "vision planning" or as time to develop my goals, plans and convictions. But whenever we would come home, we would make some major change.
Now after NOT having this kind of time, I see that's exactly what I was doing. And that's what I need to feel whole mentally. It's beyond a quiet time or devotional. It's not even always exceptional religious unless you count it living in a sacramental, intentional fashion. It's just where I can take all the books I am thinking about, my laptop, a few journals, my grocery list!!!!, maybe some mail or catalogs, my calendar, my phone and just go and sit and stare and let my mind get uncluttered again and get all the emotions that are rolling around to turn into thoughts and then turn into lists and then goals and then my schedule.
I have to do this, and it's no big deal. It's just that right now, I really need to do this. Once I do it, I am good for awhile. I get my homeschooling journal up to date and my future goals planned out. I can graph out the progress and think of new steps and strategies. I can analyze what's broken and what I think can fix it. I can figure out our meals, and our calendar... all the stuff that makes life run. It's the end of the year. And I need to do this for my life to WORK!
It is very helpful to go to yoga by myself once a week apart from working out with my workout buddy and I would just do a lot of thinking and praying there. But it's time for the yearly eval. not the weekly recap.
This is my plan for this weekend.
1. I plan to uncover the clutter internally.
2. I want to reflect upon exactly what my job is and how I am doing.
3. I need to analyze Noah's program... homeschool, homestead therapy, OT, speech, PT, the new feeding issue, the old feeding issue, a new blender plan, whether or not to do the equestrian therapy again, the nurse plan, and organization of all of his systems. My year plan I made last year comes up in June... prime little baby time. I think that's still a really good time of year to plan out the next school year because that gives me time to be thinking before I feel pressured to be doing... so even though the baby will only be about two months, it's as good a time as any. Noah's summer program... Charlote Mason summer?
4. I need to analyze Andy's systems as well. School, home school, the friend situation, the TV situation, and is he getting enough Mommy and Daddy time. Andy's summer program... Charlotte Mason summer, swimming lessons, day camp, and soccer.
5. The new baby: The basic things... get all the baby stuff out and organized, decide what I need to buy and finish making, then the medical stuff... finish off our Birth Plan A and Birth Plan B.
6. Set up respite and SCL for after the baby's born so Noah will still get interaction even if he isn't getting his complete school program.
7. Tie up loose ends... (Here's my private code now.... sorry) DC, AS, Calendar, CHOP
8. Get our meal planning back in shape.
9. Get Marie moved out and reclaim the playroom... clean, organize, toss, and replace.
10. Plan Scott and me time... maybe a getaway with just the baby in the summer. At least make sure we have date night on Tuesdays... so I need to get childcare for Andy.
11. Plan fall family vacation in October: Either Philadelphia, NYC, Boston, and DC or Disney, beach and Everglades.
12. New budget plan... it's that time of year... I want to be ready to implement the new one by March when all the financial changes happen.
13. Write my new personal yearly goals and go over last year's.
14. Get my fun mini wardrobe for post pregnancy. I am going to do something different this time. I am going to wear CUTE fat clothes instead of ugly old ones. Yoga pants, cute little mod sneakers, and fun little Indian print t-shirts and hoodies. I am going to throw away all my nasty things. That way when I work out with Amy and she's all back in shape after baby... I won't be feeling so yucky. Plus that way I can be wearing my workout clothes already and won't have to change. I found a ton of cute sale workout clothes for Victoria's Secret and J.Jill. I know I am going to be stressed and overwhelmed. But I am determined to look stressed and overwhelme GRACEFULLY.... Hee hee... I love it, my inner Bridget Jones just came out! Hey there, how are you... missed you! It's been awfully serious around here these days.
15. Plan spa days and yoga schedule (thank you Scott for my Christmas present!).
16. Set up Mommy getaway lunches with friends... get it on the calendar... now... so I will actually follow through on it.
17. Begin planning Scott and Holly's return to Europe... January 2008 or January 2009 (woot woot-- yes I just said woot woot) (depends on how dedicated I am to nursing!!!)
I am very excited to tackle all this stuff. It may seem utterly ridiculous to take life this seriously, but I am telling you this is the way, I have always been. I just didn't realize it. And this is the kind of planning, I have to do so on Sunday in church, or on Tuesday date night, or on Friday morning yoga... I can think to myself, "This is where I want to be in life. I want to be a mom, a life giver, a nurturer, a teacher, a learner, a wife, a friend." This is what it takes for me to clearly see the role I have and to figure out just exactly how I am going to make it work.
So even though Scott and I haven't been able to take our yearly January trip away, no sense in traveling far away at EXACTLY the same time Noah was born (28 weeks)... I would like to reclaim some of that same quietness and reflection here where I am. Perhaps that is the better exercise anyway.
I apologize for thinking out loud. These days, that seems to be the only thinking that gets done sometimes!!! But not after this weekend where my goal is a return to an inner balance and maintenance of life. No more clutter piles on my brain.
Images to keep in mind while planning 2007?
1. Vigorous yet calm.
2. Full yet simple.
3. Closely knit while everyone retains independence.
4. Seek to align with the rhythms of the church calendar, fast and feast, celebrate and confess, join together and retain solitary worship, the church has a place for all of life's big events and the small ones. Use this wisdom and rhythm as a template for my own life, so I don't have to redevelop a new one.
5. Take care of my own inner life so that I can be a source of peace and calm for my family.
6. Remember that life is a joyous celebration, a gift, embrace it... teach my children to embrace it, and share in Scott's enjoyment of it.
7. Be thankful.
I am feeling calmer already.
Monday, December 25, 2006
I was singing this song to Andy the other day, because he was sick and only Mommy singing "Jesus songs" would help him feel better. And I came upon this old Christmas Carol. And it is so moving especially for today. Here it is and enjoy! My favorite line is "God is not dead, nor doth he sleep."
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Words: Henry Longfellow, 1864.
Music: John Calkin, 1872
I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
Till ringing, singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth," I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men."
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men."
Merry Christmas Everyone! I Love EVERYBODY!
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Words: Henry Longfellow, 1864.
Music: John Calkin, 1872
I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
Till ringing, singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth," I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men."
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men."
Merry Christmas Everyone! I Love EVERYBODY!
Monday, December 18, 2006
The Christmas program at church on Sunday was... interesting. On the one hand, I enjoy having spunky unique kids. And on the other hand, I wonder what it would be like to feel calm and unworried about bringing them out into public situations. Noah and Scott were up front and Noah was sort of cooing/wailing... something. And Andy was hamming it up for laughs right in the front row. He took his sheep's hood off and folded it up and balanced it on his head. Then he kept taking the shepherd's staff (remember he was the sheep). He then started a little gun fight with another shepherd and a sheep. He had to be taken to sit with the teacher and then he went up again to start the shennanigans again. I was beet faced, yet laughing. My kids are determined not to let me get into some sort of placid, motherly calm. You know like the moms who sit back and ooh and aah and take photos of their children's cherubic faces. And while I am proud of their spunkiness, I can't help but wonder... where have I gone wrong? And I swear that while 95% of people think my kids are charming and cute... one mom ignored me the rest of the morning. I think because Andy instigated a coup with her son... causing her normally angelic child to throw off his shepherd's head scarf and to run around laughing wildly during the performance.
And then there was the preschool play today. Andy's teacher kept apologizing for having to have Andy sit with her during part of the performance... but what she doesn't understand is that I was fine with that and HAPPY with his performance. I have no problem with him getting disciplined for naughtiness. I am just so happy that at least he can be in school and be in a Christmas play and memorize lines and to even be naughty.
No one knows how the "Christmas Play" has loomed in my mind through the years. There was the year when Noah was in the hospital restrained to the bed so he wouldn't pull his life support out (we have a picture of Santa standing next to his hospital bed, and I swear he has tears rolling down his face), and I stupidly went to the program and dissolved in tears. There was the year, when I pushed to get Noah involved and dissolved in tears. And then the year when I waited to be asked to come to the practices and no one ever did. I cried through the entire play and left early. I just couldn't watch the other kids jingling their bells and singing while my son, my sweet Noah was left off to the sidelines missing all that ... goodwill, community acceptance, smiles of appreciation, oohing and aahing. For some reason it has become the tragedy of Noah's childhood. I don't usually get sad about the g-tube, the diapers, even the brain damage, or the behaviors. I don't let myself go down that path. But it's the Christmas play that gets me every time. Every time. Either it's sadness that keeps me from going to the play because he isn't involved. Or it's sadness that keeps me from getting him involved because then I'll have to see him side by side with a group of his peers. Or it's the sadness when he is involved and making some odd noise that causes my heart to silently beg, "Please accept him. Please think he's wonderful." It's the darn Christmas play that gets me to cry every time.
And so I think that God has put Andy and Noah together. Because when one is doing something that makes me feel sad, the other is doing something that makes me practically fall out of my chair with laughter. And when the other is doing something so naughty it makes my blood boil, the other one is so innocently sweet, it makes my maternal side reach out and just bring them both to me in an unconditional, all accepting embrace.
It may seem like just a Christmas play to everyone else, but for me it's the time every year when I am reminded that Christ who was born in the humblest of circumstances, loves my children so much more than I do. And His mother quietly loves my children too. The truth is my life is not normal. It just isn't. It probably never will be. People may think I am a complainer, a martyr, an irresponsible mother, a saint, a wacko, perhaps even the cause of the kinds of things we deal with on a daily basis. But I know that I am just an ordinary person with extraordinary kids. That is the journey I am on. And these are the kids I would have picked for my journey. Hands down, Andy and Noah would be my first choices every single time.
I am not fooling myself that this is a calm, peaceful, accepting world. You know, even Salvation Army bell ringers are rude sometimes. And in that Hallmark movie "The Christmas Shoes..." you know the one I am talking about? The little boy's mom still dies of cancer. And right now while you are reading this, little children are suffering somewhere alone in an orphanage, forgotten, disabled, and hopeless. So while the illusion of the Christmas season is this calm, peaceful, accepting world... I just hold in my heart a different peace. One of utter assurance that we are loved unconditionally, completely, and that God is oohing and aahing over my kids. I can imagine angels roaring with laughter at Andy's antics. And Noah smiling and cooing at some funny thing that only he and God know. And I imagine that God or even His mother is holding all of those lonely little kids out there that need a mommy. And we can be his hands and feet and give that kind of love to everyone we meet too.
So this year we did the "Christmas Play," that iconic, monolithic yearly event. And instead of avoiding it, I faced it. I laughed, I cried, I boiled, I died a thousand deaths of humiliation, and I said, "Thanks for my little ones, God. I can't imagine it any other way."
And then there was the preschool play today. Andy's teacher kept apologizing for having to have Andy sit with her during part of the performance... but what she doesn't understand is that I was fine with that and HAPPY with his performance. I have no problem with him getting disciplined for naughtiness. I am just so happy that at least he can be in school and be in a Christmas play and memorize lines and to even be naughty.
No one knows how the "Christmas Play" has loomed in my mind through the years. There was the year when Noah was in the hospital restrained to the bed so he wouldn't pull his life support out (we have a picture of Santa standing next to his hospital bed, and I swear he has tears rolling down his face), and I stupidly went to the program and dissolved in tears. There was the year, when I pushed to get Noah involved and dissolved in tears. And then the year when I waited to be asked to come to the practices and no one ever did. I cried through the entire play and left early. I just couldn't watch the other kids jingling their bells and singing while my son, my sweet Noah was left off to the sidelines missing all that ... goodwill, community acceptance, smiles of appreciation, oohing and aahing. For some reason it has become the tragedy of Noah's childhood. I don't usually get sad about the g-tube, the diapers, even the brain damage, or the behaviors. I don't let myself go down that path. But it's the Christmas play that gets me every time. Every time. Either it's sadness that keeps me from going to the play because he isn't involved. Or it's sadness that keeps me from getting him involved because then I'll have to see him side by side with a group of his peers. Or it's the sadness when he is involved and making some odd noise that causes my heart to silently beg, "Please accept him. Please think he's wonderful." It's the darn Christmas play that gets me to cry every time.
And so I think that God has put Andy and Noah together. Because when one is doing something that makes me feel sad, the other is doing something that makes me practically fall out of my chair with laughter. And when the other is doing something so naughty it makes my blood boil, the other one is so innocently sweet, it makes my maternal side reach out and just bring them both to me in an unconditional, all accepting embrace.
It may seem like just a Christmas play to everyone else, but for me it's the time every year when I am reminded that Christ who was born in the humblest of circumstances, loves my children so much more than I do. And His mother quietly loves my children too. The truth is my life is not normal. It just isn't. It probably never will be. People may think I am a complainer, a martyr, an irresponsible mother, a saint, a wacko, perhaps even the cause of the kinds of things we deal with on a daily basis. But I know that I am just an ordinary person with extraordinary kids. That is the journey I am on. And these are the kids I would have picked for my journey. Hands down, Andy and Noah would be my first choices every single time.
I am not fooling myself that this is a calm, peaceful, accepting world. You know, even Salvation Army bell ringers are rude sometimes. And in that Hallmark movie "The Christmas Shoes..." you know the one I am talking about? The little boy's mom still dies of cancer. And right now while you are reading this, little children are suffering somewhere alone in an orphanage, forgotten, disabled, and hopeless. So while the illusion of the Christmas season is this calm, peaceful, accepting world... I just hold in my heart a different peace. One of utter assurance that we are loved unconditionally, completely, and that God is oohing and aahing over my kids. I can imagine angels roaring with laughter at Andy's antics. And Noah smiling and cooing at some funny thing that only he and God know. And I imagine that God or even His mother is holding all of those lonely little kids out there that need a mommy. And we can be his hands and feet and give that kind of love to everyone we meet too.
So this year we did the "Christmas Play," that iconic, monolithic yearly event. And instead of avoiding it, I faced it. I laughed, I cried, I boiled, I died a thousand deaths of humiliation, and I said, "Thanks for my little ones, God. I can't imagine it any other way."
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Good news! We had an ultrasound and the baby is not growing as fast as before so that's actually really good news. She is back down to the 57th percentile. So we have another two week to not stress out about PHHI as much; that's when we'll have another ultrasound to check the growth and the activity.
We have an appointment with a pediatric surgeon next week. And we are holding off going to Iowa City until something is "off." Maybe we'll be able to live here and be "normal" after all.
If you for some reason really liked praying for us... you can still keep praying that the baby does not have PHHI, and if she does that she will be as healthy as possible and won't suffer any ill effects from it. Also that we will still be "enough" for both of the boys during this time and after the baby's birth. That's my main focus right now... to keep the house running, Noah properly schooled, Andy properly attended to, and Scott and I making sure that we stay close and a team during this. And so far, so good! No one's fallen through the cracks yet, thanks to all the support we have. Thanks, Homestead team, Andy's preschool, all our family and friends, all our doctors, our case manager, and our new respite provider! You make our lives great! We are so grateful to all of you. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You know I believe that in our case it really does take a village... and at times I think we suck the village dry... but you guys all just keep on going. And Noah's life, all of our lives, are better for it. Again, Thank You!
We have an appointment with a pediatric surgeon next week. And we are holding off going to Iowa City until something is "off." Maybe we'll be able to live here and be "normal" after all.
If you for some reason really liked praying for us... you can still keep praying that the baby does not have PHHI, and if she does that she will be as healthy as possible and won't suffer any ill effects from it. Also that we will still be "enough" for both of the boys during this time and after the baby's birth. That's my main focus right now... to keep the house running, Noah properly schooled, Andy properly attended to, and Scott and I making sure that we stay close and a team during this. And so far, so good! No one's fallen through the cracks yet, thanks to all the support we have. Thanks, Homestead team, Andy's preschool, all our family and friends, all our doctors, our case manager, and our new respite provider! You make our lives great! We are so grateful to all of you. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You know I believe that in our case it really does take a village... and at times I think we suck the village dry... but you guys all just keep on going. And Noah's life, all of our lives, are better for it. Again, Thank You!
